September 2011
I guess
my sister got out of the house early enough to not see just how fucked up my parents’ failure of a marriage has become and so she still believes getting married is a good idea.
In other news, I’m driving to Kansas tomorrow for my sister’s wedding.
August 2011
ADELE - IN THE DEEP (BOUNCE)
Hey! Listen!
Few things
sound more pretentious or ridiculous than a detailed explanation of the meaning of a tattoo.
True story
I lost my passport.
SO
OMG YOU GUYS IF YOU START PLAYING DUCK SAUCE’S BARBARA STREISAND DURING V FOR VENDETTA WHEN THE INSPECTOR CONFRONTS EVIE JUST BEFORE SHE PULLS THE LEVER ON THE TRAIN, IT SYNCS UP PERFECTLY AND HILARIOUSLY.
Self-indulgent and irrelevant humblebrag!
This made me remember this. Here’s the scene:
- Senior year of high school
- AP testing time
When we signed up for the tests, my AP Gov teacher pointed out that, if we took the AP Gov test, we could take the AP Comparative Government test for no extra fee. About 3 seconds of thought went into this, mostly of the “…so I get to not go to class ALL DAY?” variety, before I signed up.
I’d never taken comparative government, I didn’t know much more than “LOL England haz a parliament,” but at that point I wasn’t about to ignore any opportunity to get out of going to class.
The tests roll around, and on the comparative one I think maybe, 5 answers tops weren’t inferred from other questions, guesses based on vague recollection, or just straight up random guesses. Then, the essay portion, designed to weed out people like me who don’t know a fucking thing about the topic. I wrote such pure bullshit I wish I’d had a brown pen. On the last essay, I APOLOGIZED to the person who had to read my essays and explained that, really, I just preferred taking the test to going back to class.
I got a 3 on that exam, and a 4 on the one for the class I actually took. Exams are bullshit.
Lenscrafters needs to pay me a million dollars immediately
apio:
Because as I was washing my face, I just coined the word “specspert” and they can use it in all their commercials now. NEED HELP PICKING OUT GLASSES? CALL YOUR LOCAL SPECSPERT TODAY.
Other alternatives:
- Need to get into Jersey Shore shape? CALL YOUR LOCAL PECSPERT.
- Need to refinish your patio? CALL YOUR LOCAL DECKSPERT.
- Need to demolish a building? CALL YOUR LOCAL WRECKSPERT.
- For some reason, need the 411 on Spock’s dad? CALL YOUR LOCAL SAREKSPERT.
- Stalking a former boyfriend or girlfriend? CALL YOUR LOCAL EX… oh goddammit.
Passenger: United Cabin Crew Thinks Books About Old Airplanes Signify A Security Threat →
consumerist.com
Last week, folk singer and aviation enthusiast Vance Gilbert thought he’d pass the time on his United Airlines flight from Boston to Washington, DC, by perusing some books about old aircraft. This was apparently enough to set off alarm bells among the flight crew, who had the plane return to the gate where Gilbert was met by the authorities.
It’s good to know that books about old airplanes are as dangerous as 3.4 ounces of toothpaste.
…maybe it was really, really big and he could have used it to hit them over the head, rendering them unconscious, then used it as a battering ram for the cockpit door?
